I am in the middle of many uncertainties. What makes it even worse is I have been here before and never thought I would face this type of uncertainty again.
This really feeds into my blame game routine. At the heart of it all, I blame myself. I am responsible for my consequences and my stinking thinking makes everything consequences from a mistake I must have made.
If I was to put myself in the story of Job then I would be the friend that was asking him what he had done to deserve such a fate. Except I say it to myself.
I can also compare myself to the diciples who once asked Jesus why the blind man was blind. Was it a sin he did or maybe a sin of his parents? Except I start pointing blame wherever I can for the circumstances.
I know the truth, and my Spirit is willing to hear it. But this flesh has gotten the better of me lately and has left me depressed and maybe a fit of panic here and there. Bitter roots are forming and resentment is real.
I know God will walk me through everything and this fire I am going through is here to refine me and not consume me.
But my flesh says “seriously? You know this is your fault, right? Your obedience was quite lacking and now you want to cry through the consequences. Do better and this wouldnt happen.”
These thoughts leave me feeling so far from God. Like He is disappointed in me. The enemy sure knows how to twist truth into lies. Like a roaring lion he sits and waits for a weak spot to show itself and he digs in.
These are the times that I am thankful for the Spirit guiding me to study His word so consistently for the last few years. Not only do I know where to go to renew my faith but I have His truth written on the tablet of my heart. So when the flesh starts spewing its lies that still, small voice comforts me. He pulls me out and sets me on the solid rock. The bible studies I was so obedient in following has led to an arsenal of truth to fire back at the flaming arrows the enemy has directed at me.
I am not alone. I am not unloved. Even if noone on this earth loved me…He does and what more would I need? Except even then, He gives me more. He gave me a whole church family that shows me love and would come into this battle with me in prayer, no questons asked. That leaves me thankful for that still, small voice that instructed me to get back in church consistently a few years ago as well.
So, if today you are also in a sea of uncertainty let me fill you with this truth. God is good. He wants only what is good for you. If He is burning away what wasnt from Him right now then rejoice. He will restore you to His will and plan. Hold on to that hope. This, too, shall pass and if you let Him refine you then it will not consume you.
I am reminded of David who wanted to build a temple for God. God told him a temple would be built but it would be for his son to build it. Since David couldnt build the temple he decided to stock all that was needed to build it so his son would have all he needed when it was his time to build it.
I feel God telling me, “I see you want My ways and you want to change and grow your faith. That is my Son’s job. He has sent His Spirit to change, grow, and guide you. The only thing you are to do is stock your arsenal with the tools and weapons that are needed. He will rebuild you.”
Yes, a weak spot has been exposed. Yes, the enemy took notice and dug in on it. But God knew it was there all along. He will use that enemy to refine me. I will not be consumed by him because I am already consumed by Him. Where I am weak, He is strong and His power is about to be made very evident in my life. Amen!
Put your armor on soldier. Build up your weapons. Stock that arsenal. He will do the rest.