I lived so much of my life depressed. Depressed is only the surface word. Under it you would find despair, stress, anxiety, anger, and defeat. I tried covering that depression with all kinds of lusts of the flesh. I won’t go into detail because there are some readers that may not be at the maturity level to handle hearing the roads I have taken, but for some of you that knew me then, you already know. Those lusts of the flesh appealed to me because it was instant gratification. I didn’t have to face the pain for those brief moments. Those moments in the flesh promised me peace and good times and “great memories” to replace the bad ones. But that flesh lied to me. It created choas, more pain, and more bad memories. I also drew other people in to these fleshly ways and they also share these same bad memories. I hurt myself, my kids, my marriage, and my whole family. None of this helped my depression in any way. Such lies I believed!
Jesus called me out of all of that. People talk about finding joy the moment they were saved. Can I be honest? I didn’t feel the joy of my salvation right away. I knew God was the answer but I still felt depressed and defeated. I would sit back and constantly ask “why, Lord? Why me? Why my family? Why did I do that? Why didn’t you stop me?” God didn’t condemn me for those questions, He just kept guiding me. One step in front of the other was all I could do for a long while. Just stay the course, Monica. One step at a time. I KNEW God was the answer. I had no where else to go.
Me and God have been a team for a few years now and I am here to tell you this: I have learned crying out “why?” to God doesn’t get the problem solved. When Peter stepped out of the boat to walk on water with Jesus he started to sink when he looked at the storm instead of focusing on the power of Jesus. (Matthew 14:22-33) Peter could have cried out “why?!” as he was sinking, but what would the answer to that “why” do? How would that answer save him from drowning? Instead, he cried out; “Lord, save me!”
That has been my biggest lesson as I have learned to trust God with my life. It has been the cure to my depression and all that goes with it. Crying out “why?” does not bring the solution. I trust the One that carries that answer and I trust He will reveal it to me should it ever be something that I need to know. That question of “why” does nothing for me when I feel like I am sinking. The only thing that saves me from drowning is when I cry out; “Lord, save me!”
And He does. Every single time.
I do feel the joy of my salvation now that the depression has been defeated. I feel it so much at times it is hard to contain, and maybe I shouldn’t contain it. So, if you ever hear me yelp out in excitement or jump in the air in celebration, just know that I am remembering where I was and where I am not anymore and where I am going when it is all said and done. I am remembering just how much I can trust God in this life and I have no reason to fear or have anxiety or be in despair! I am remembering just how long and wide and high and deep God’s love for me is. (Ephesians 3:18) And not just for me but for all of us, including the ones I have hurt.
All thanks to God who sent Himself in the flesh as Jesus to live amongst us and go through this troubled life with us. Then to have every bit of evil this world contains thrown on Him on His way to the cross where He took on the wages of sin for us so that we can have an eternal relationship with Him unhindered by that sin. He gave us a way of escape! (1 Corinthians 10:13, Psalm 68:20)
I will never be defeated again! Yes! I have joy!! An everlasting joy!
“From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”
“Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress.”
“Those the LORD has rescued will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.”