Why?

Testimony time:

I lived so much of my life depressed. Depressed is only the surface word. Under it you would find despair, stress, anxiety, anger, and defeat. I tried covering that depression with all kinds of lusts of the flesh. I won’t go into detail because there are some readers that may not be at the maturity level to handle hearing the roads I have taken, but for some of you that knew me then, you already know. Those lusts of the flesh appealed to me because it was instant gratification. I didn’t have to face the pain for those brief moments. Those moments in the flesh promised me peace and good times and “great memories” to replace the bad ones. But that flesh lied to me. It created choas, more pain, and more bad memories. I also drew other people in to these fleshly ways and they also share these same bad memories. I hurt myself, my kids, my marriage, and my whole family. None of this helped my depression in any way. Such lies I believed!

Jesus called me out of all of that. People talk about finding joy the moment they were saved. Can I be honest? I didn’t feel the joy of my salvation right away. I knew God was the answer but I still felt depressed and defeated. I would sit back and constantly ask “why, Lord? Why me? Why my family? Why did I do that? Why didn’t you stop me?” God didn’t condemn me for those questions, He just kept guiding me. One step in front of the other was all I could do for a long while. Just stay the course, Monica. One step at a time. I KNEW God was the answer. I had no where else to go.

Me and God have been a team for a few years now and I am here to tell you this: I have learned crying out “why?” to God doesn’t get the problem solved. When Peter stepped out of the boat to walk on water with Jesus he started to sink when he looked at the storm instead of focusing on the power of Jesus. (Matthew 14:22-33) Peter could have cried out “why?!” as he was sinking, but what would the answer to that “why” do? How would that answer save him from drowning? Instead, he cried out; “Lord, save me!”

That has been my biggest lesson as I have learned to trust God with my life. It has been the cure to my depression and all that goes with it. Crying out “why?” does not bring the solution. I trust the One that carries that answer and I trust He will reveal it to me should it ever be something that I need to know. That question of “why” does nothing for me when I feel like I am sinking. The only thing that saves me from drowning is when I cry out; “Lord, save me!”

And He does. Every single time.

I do feel the joy of my salvation now that the depression has been defeated. I feel it so much at times it is hard to contain, and maybe I shouldn’t contain it. So, if you ever hear me yelp out in excitement or jump in the air in celebration, just know that I am remembering where I was and where I am not anymore and where I am going when it is all said and done. I am remembering just how much I can trust God in this life and I have no reason to fear or have anxiety or be in despair! I am remembering just how long and wide and high and deep God’s love for me is. (Ephesians 3:18) And not just for me but for all of us, including the ones I have hurt.

All thanks to God who sent Himself in the flesh as Jesus to live amongst us and go through this troubled life with us. Then to have every bit of evil this world contains thrown on Him on His way to the cross where He took on the wages of sin for us so that we can have an eternal relationship with Him unhindered by that sin. He gave us a way of escape! (1 Corinthians 10:13, Psalm 68:20)

I will never be defeated again! Yes! I have joy!! An everlasting joy!

Psalm 61:2
“From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”

Psalm 107:19
“Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress.”

Isaiah 51:11
“Those the LORD has rescued will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.”

Where is the light?

One of the bible studies I am doing is called Setting Captives Free (settingcaptivesfree.com). This morning’s study was from the depression course. I wanted to share my thoughts as I went through this course.

I once had a huge issue with depression. It isn’t quite the struggle it once was but it still lingers. Satan certainly knows it is an easy button to push. The difference now is that I know what is happening and how to conquor it.

“In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” Romans 8:37

When I am not immersing myself in the light of God then I start to sink into the deep darkness, but as soon as I return to the light then the darkness is nothing but shadows. No deepness to it at all. I see it happening anytime I spend too much time on social media, watching tv shows, or even just in my own negative thoughts.

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
Philippians 4:8

I have tried many ways in the past to bring light into my darkness.

-Manifesting positive thoughts. If I can think it then I can achieve it.
-Believing in karma. If I do good then good will come back to me.
-I even believed that just believing in Christ was enough and I could willfully continue in sin and be forgiven. I believed that was my salvation. No worries. Push that conviction away and keep riding.

• Then I also believed if I behaved well enough God would keep bad things from happening in my life. And if something bad happened I must have done something wrong to anger God. (Kinda sounds like I turned God into karma, huh?)

I can see how the devil’s game is to always take a bit of truth and then twist it into evil for us to believe we are right and walking in light. He can keep us looking at the light while we are backstepping into the darkness.

“The serpent said to the woman; ‘Did God really say…”
Genisis 3:1

“Therefore be careful lest the light in you be darkness” Luke 11:35

“The Spirit alone gives eternal life. Human effort accomplishes nothing. And the very words I have spoken to you are spirit and life.”
John 6:63

The study quoted John Piper as saying:
“In other words, there is much that passes for light…that is not light. There are many bright things in the world that keep us from seeing the true light of Christ—just like city lights keep you from seeing the stars.”

Glory to God for removing the blinders from my eyes! Even as a Christ following Christian I was blinded to how I was living in Satan’s lies of panic, despair, depression, and brokenness. But now those blinders are gone and I see his schemes! I recently fell back in the darkness for a few days but I knew where to go! I get angry, not at myself for being deceived although I dont like that I fell for it, I get angry at the deceiver! How dare he come at me like that! Im not taking it anymore! Get behind me satan! I am going to be about my Father’s business! He has already battled him and won! Christ is on my side. What can he do to me? Im not scared of him anymore! He cant do a thing without my Father’s permission! And if my Abba has allowed it then it will somehow work to His glory. And His glory is holy and good!

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”
Jeremiah 29:11

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord.
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:8-9

“then I saw all that God has done. No one can comprehend what goes on under the sun. Despite all their efforts to search it out, no one can discover its meaning. Even if the wise claim they know, they cannot really comprehend it.”
Ecclesiastes 8:17

Friend, let me tell you what I have learned from my good and wonderful Father.

-He doesnt expect us to fight this battle alone. It is only through a heart change that comes from His Spirit that we even change at all.

“Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.”
Psalm 139:23-24

-As we are changing to reflect His heart, we are covered by grace and mercy. No karma needed.

“Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.”
Psalm 23:6

“Because of the LORD’s faithful love we do not perish, for his mercies never end. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness!”
Lamentations 3:22-23

-Finally, the only way to peace and light and eternal salvation is following Christ.

“Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”
John 14:6

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
Matthew 11:28-29

“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”
Matthew 7:24-27

And he said to them, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.”
Matthew 4:19